Claws of a Memory

You attempt to clear your mind, trying to evoke a sense of peace but first one memory reaches out its filthy claw and shreds the canvas of the tent that you so carefully put up around your mind to try to protect it. One claw turns into many and eventually your canvas and peace are ripped to shreds and the memories, pain, guilt, and anger come flooding in and you have no more resistance to stop it.

why

why do i have such trouble finding the one for me? why is the 'one' so elusive? i have searched an waited and I'm tired of it all. i played the games, followed the rules, tried to make others happy, and what did i get out for my trouble? not shit. I’m alone. i want my man that can fulfill me, that can be there for me when i need him, that will love me for me, and be everything i need an want him to be. I want a man that will be real with me, wont cheat or lie, wont make me feel worthless and like shit. i want a man that loves me no matter what, a man that i can be myself around, i want a man that i can be best friends with, i want a man that knows everything about me an doesn’t judge, he accepts and loves me as i am, i want a man that i can tell anything to an one who feels that he can tell me anything, i don’t want secrets or lies, i want a man i can trust completely with my life, my heart, my body, my future children, with everything about me, i want a man, a real man, not a lil boy, or a man that doesn’t know who or what he is or what he wants

i don’t want a man that makes me have second thoughts about our relationship, i don’t want a man that makes me regret my decisions, i don’t want a man that i cant trust or respect. i don’t want a man that makes me feel like I’m on the bottom of his list of people that he loves and wants to be around. i don’t want a man that is useless to me physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Loneliness

loneliness is a wraith to the soul, haunting and calling for company that either takes its time in coming or refuses to arrive at all, the cold torture of being alone with no company and comfort in sight

Ache

Inside I ache,

I do not know what I ache for; all I know is that I am empty in side. It is an emptiness that I force myself to hide. I ache for understanding, caring, patience, and love. I crave a shoulder to cry on, a rock to support me, a pillar to hold me up. A lifeline to keep me going. Someone to hold me, to wipe my tears, to comfort my fears, someone who can make me laugh when I cry, who will let me try, someone who will remain by my side, someone who will not let me hide myself away, who sticks with me day by day. Someone who can keep me out of trouble, and be there on the double when they are needed, someone who loves me for me, no matter how I am; thick, thin, happy, sad, elated, mad, moody, disgruntle, complicated, materialistic, ungrateful, closeted, shielded. Someone who will accept me as I am, an not change me for any reason. Someone who enjoys being in my company, someone who can keep me entertained, and someone I genuinely want to be around. Someone who is my equal: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and psychologically. Someone for me.

Promise Me

Promise me that you'll never let me go, promise me that if I do something wrong, that you'll let me know, promise me that you'll let me in, that you'll show and tell me when you're happy, mad or sad, promise me that'll your feelings for me won't change promise me we will make this work, promise me that you'll always be there, promise me you'll tell me I’m beautiful no matter how I look or what I wear or even how I style my hair, promise me that you love me for now and that you will as long as you can, promise me you will be my rock and my man promise me that you'll always be my biggest fan promise me that I’ll always be yours just promise please I need stability, I need love, I need reassurance, and I need you.

Money

Money is the root of everything nowadays. Greed, Lust, Stress, Heartache and Headaches. Everyone has money on their mind, whether they have it or not. Everyone needs it and most people do not have it. Money is needed to pay bills, buy food, go to school, have a car, or just to experience life. It corrupts people, once a person gets some money they usually change, for the worst most times. It also corrupts people when they do not have any. They are always looking for more, begging and borrowing from friends and companies that put them further in debt. Money is needed for everything nowadays and without it, almost no one can function in today’s society properly.

Past and Future

Why is it when you are really feeling someone and start falling in love with them, things from your past come back to haunt you? Every time I try to find happiness with a new guy, a past mistake or ex comes back into my life and puts up a road block. I cannot outrun my mistakes or the people I tried to eject from my life. Feelings need to know how to run their course and stay gone. They do not need to disappear and then resurface it only confuses and messes up things. I wish that I could move on and stay moved on. But, I keep revisiting memories back in the good days when things were going right and I felt safe and loved all day an night. I remember when things were going right for the first time in my life and I felt at peace. An then it all went horribly wrong and it ended. And now when I'm trying to find a new happiness the old one keeps knocking at my door, saying hello and asking to try once more. And I have to say no, because I either hurt my future by revisting my past or ruin a rekindled past by choosing to risk a chance of love with my future. Either way I have to make a decision and will most likely end of getting hurt. I just hope that I make the right decision for once and learn to read my heart.